HOW TO MANIPULATE EVERYONE YOU LOVE TO GO VEGAN

Being vegan is tough enough, and it only gets harder when NONE of your friends or family members are vegan. But have no fear! It is super easy to manipulate them into becoming vegan. Because let's be real; it's more important that they stop supporting the mass murdering of animals than have the ability to make their own decisions.  


Step 1: FORCE them to watch every vegan documentary/video there is; Cowspiracy, Forks over Knives, Earthlings, What the Health, Food Inc...the list is truly endless! They may struggle at first but eventually they'll absorb ALL of the information. 

Step 2: Trick them into thinking that you can get enough protein on your vegan diet (because we all know that it's actually impossible). Feed them beans, legumes, lentils, and tofu. They'll be convinced that they are actually getting protein.

Step 3: Refer to any meat they eat as "murdered animals". They won't be the slightest bit offended. In fact just hearing that word will trick them into going vegan.

Step 4: Reassure them that they are superior to others simply because they are vegan. In fact that's what veganism is all about, constantly telling other people just how vegan you are.

Step 5: Feed them only the finest vegan delicacy; a kale and water smoothie. Sound gross? It is! But by reassuring them that it's healthy they'll be sure to have one with every meal.

Step 6: Tell them you won't hang out with them if they eat meat (murdered animals). This is the true test to see just how much they love you; by being forced to choose between you or a hamburger. 

Step 7: The final hoorah! To ensure they are "actually" vegan make them get a vegan tattoo...somewhere where they can't hide it. That way wherever they go everyone will know of their awesomeness.


That's it! Seven simple steps to convince everyone in your life to go vegan. Waiting for people to come to their own conclusions is just foolish. Besides, you want vegan friends and you want them now! If this sounds like too much effort just remember that you can always disown everyone in our life and go searching for other vegans. I've tried this method in my personal life and it had a success rate of an incredible 1%! But I mean if one out of every 100 people you know goes vegan it's totally worth it, right?


If you made it this far I'd like to thank you and apologize to you. If you know me personally you know I am one sarcastic gal. If it wasn't apparent this is a satirical piece and I BY NO MEANS recommend that you follow these steps. I find it best to simply lead by example. I want to show others how easy and realistic it is to go vegan. I don't want to make people feel guilty or that I love them less just because they aren't vegan. For MANY years I ate meat, dairy, and eggs. It wasn't until a few years ago that I began my transition into  a vegan lifestyle, and I wouldn't of had it any other way. When you get to veganism on your own it's a beautiful experience...not so much when it's being forced down your throat. So how do you really make your loved ones go vegan? YOU DON'T. 

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